By Jan LaRue, Esq.
Culture and Media Institute
March 27, 2007

1. How would you secure the U.S. border?

a.      A fence made of control top pantyhose linked at the feet

b.      A Nancy Pelosi stare

c.       Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po of the Teletubbies

d.      A gang of moderate Republicans with stiffly starched collars

2. How should Congress define “torture”?

1. Use of any guard dog that doesn’t answer to “Here, Foo Foo”
2. An interrogator wearing cheap after shave
3. Being referred to as “Abba-Dabba-Du”
4. Watching Rosie O’Donnell in any position

3. Is it okay for the U.S. to launch an anti-ballistic missile without the prior written consent of George Soros?

1. Only if 399 UN resolutions have been violated
2. No way—it would increase global warming
3. Not while Democrats are filibustering a judicial nominee
4. After Al Gore wins an Oscar for his newest documentary, Truth, What Is It Good For?

4. Who should be the next Supreme Court justice?

1. Woody Allen
2. Like any dude who doesn’t like think the Constitution is like some big deal
3. Noam Chomsky
4. O.J. Simpson’s favorite judge—Lance Ito

5. Would any of the following not violate the Establishment Clause?

1. The ACLU Book of Common Prayer
2. Thinking, “Oh, God!” within the city limits of San Francisco. (Would there be an exception if it occurs during an armed robbery?)
3. A law banning from public office anyone who’s ever thought of going to church
4. A welfare check printed on green paper with red ink

6. What is the biggest cause of global warming?

1. Chuck Schumer’s favorite press conferences, Vols. I-mmmccXXvii
2. Gun ownership
3. The Barbra Streisand 23^rd Farewell Tour
4. Kerry/Edwards weekly consumption of hairspray

7. How would you end the war in Iraq?

1. Air drop the Times Sunday edition on our pesky allies
2. Smoke dope with bin Laden
3. Override all satellite TV downlinks with Hillary Clinton singing Negro spirituals
4. Declare “Hug a Terrorist Day”

8. How would you improve test scores of public school students?

1. Declare “National Snow Day”
2. Student essays in 10 words or less: “Vouchers are evil because …”
3. Direct deposits from the U.S. Treasury to the National Education Association
4. Increase condom instruction in Head Start programs

9. Who is your favorite Founding Father?

1. Thomas Jefferson
2. William Jefferson Clinton
3. Jefferson Airplane
4. This is sexist hate speech

10. What should be included in government health care?

1. 50 lbs. of high-grade medical marijuana
2. A carton of blank prescription pads signed by Howard Dean
3. Access to Senate Botox injections
4. A complete set of Nip/Tuck DVDs

11. Would you ban abortion under any of the following circumstances?

1. The fetus is a fan of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
2. The fetus drives a Prius (late third trimester)
3. The embryo will be used to clone Bill Clinton
4. The fetus will pledge never to shop at Wal-Mart

12. What is the most important part of the U.S. Constitution?

1. The ban on SUVs
2. The wall of separation between gender-diverse people groups of tolerance and a bossy Supreme Being
3. The living, unwritten stuff

13. Who is your favorite president?

1. Bill Clinton
2. Jacques Chirac
3. Al Gore
4. Bill Clinton

14. What is a weapon of mass destruction?

1. The Fox News Channel
2. Second-hand smoke (not to be confused with weed)
3. Tax cuts for the rich
4. A Big Mac with cheese

15. What constitutes suspicious activity at an airport?

1. A U.S. passport bearing a photo of Scooby-Doo
2. Trying to purchase blasting caps at Starbucks
3. Carrying an Uzi in a plastic bag larger than quart-size

16. Should English be the official language of the United States?

1. Nyet
2. Oprima número ochenta y tres para inglés: Press 83 for English